How to Find Time for Yourself (aka Self-Care)

Welcome to another episode of Raising Healthy Mothers. Before I get started into the meat of this week's episode, I just wanted to say that this is going to be the last episode in this season. I'm going to take August off from podcasting, but I'll be back in September with more episodes and more really interesting guests to talk about motherhood. But I'd really love your feedback on this first season. It's really only worthwhile me doing if it's actually relevant to you, my listeners. So you can send me an email with feedback, or you can message me on Instagram or Facebook; all the details are in the show notes. And if you've been really enjoying the podcast, if you think it's really great, then please do rate it and leave a review because it just makes such a difference to how well broadcasted it ends up being and how many people can see it.

So onto this week's episode. This week, I'm talking about finding time for yourself as a mum. So you know how mums are just so tired and exhausted and frazzled all the time? And you know, it's so hard to find time for yourself. We get told that we should be looking after ourselves, that self care is important, put your own oxygen mask on first. But actually, how do you find the time for that? The reason I want to talk about this is baby becomes such a focus, when you first give birth especially. So throughout pregnancy, you are the most important person – you go to the appointments, everyone is asking how you are. But as soon as baby arrives, you stop becoming that focus, and the focus becomes on the baby. And that's true of you as well. You stop focusing on yourself and you start focusing on the baby. And you can easily become quite consumed by the baby too. And slowly, over time, you can end up feeling quite suffocated and almost like you don't know who you are anymore, you don't know what you enjoy anymore. What’s fun for you? And you just feel a bit like you just need a bit more space, a bit more time.

So in this episode, I'm going to share why it's important to find time for yourself. I'm going to talk about how to find that time for yourself. Even if you can't imagine finding an extra minute in your day, I'm going to try and help you find that extra minute or so. I'm going to talk about how to actually make it work for you, how to make it stick, and I'll give you some practical suggestions on things that you can do for yourself in the time that you have, whether it's on a daily basis, or weekly basis or a monthly basis.

I'm a mum of an 18-month-old toddler. I still breastfeed and we bedshare so he is on me and around me and near me pretty much 24 hours of the day, apart from when I'm working. And I found myself starting to get very grumpy and really cross quite a lot and really not much patience as well. This is especially true really since he's been walking because he can follow me around everywhere. And what I also found was that when I did have some time to myself whether it was when he was napping or when I was giving him a feed and having a little bit of downtime, I would find myself scrolling through social media and getting really sucked in, but I find it so unfulfilling. I mean, social media does have its place - scrolling through Instagram, scrolling through Facebook can help to just place yourself within a wider world and just have a bit of mindless activity really, but it really is rarely fulfilling and I kind of come out of those sessions just feeling a bit icky, a bit like – what a waste of my time. And what I found was that when I started adding in some little mini moments for myself, and when I started doing some longer walks on my own, I just started feeling so much better.

So as I mentioned, when a baby is born, mum feels so neglected and uncared for because baby becomes the centre stage. It's so easy to start feeling overwhelmed, to feel suffocated, feel touched out. And you can start feeling really resentful as well as the baby, you start looking for moments to just escape and have some time alone. And you can watch yourself almost perceptively becoming a different person, you can see yourself changing. You might become quite grumpy, or you might find yourself shouting more than you ever thought you would, and losing patience. And you might find yourself being particularly moody, especially around the time of the month, around when your period is going to start. You find that your mood swings and hormones just are completely out of this world, that might not have been like that before you gave birth.

Now I really wish that I knew what I'm about to tell you right now, back when I first had my baby because it would have really made a difference to how I felt about myself, but also how I felt as a mother and would have given me the time to just get something regular into practice early on, so that it would just come naturally to me, rather than having to force it upon myself much later on. So what I'm about to tell you really could be the one thing that is going to change your experience of motherhood.

What if we stopped seeing self care as a favour or a nice bit on the side, but something as necessary as food and sleep? What if we did actually put ourselves first? What if we chose to be selfish just for those little mini moments to ourselves? What if we started saying no to others, and yes to ourselves just a few times a day? And what is the impact in the long term if you don't do something about it? Will you continue just becoming a person that you don't really like? How is that going to affect your relationships? And on the flip side, if you do make a small change now, will it make you a better person? Will it make you a better mother? Will it make you a better partner? And then, is that going to then be something that they want you to do for yourself too, because they know that it's important and makes you a better person to be around?

And the key thing I think that is really important is what is the message we are giving our children, especially our daughters, if we're running on empty all the time, if we are not putting ourselves first on the occasion, what is the message if we are giving freely, but are never taking for ourselves?

So I bet you're expecting me to tell you to maybe start yoga practice or start meditating. And I might do, because those things can be really helpful. But I do think there's a problem here because quite often we have a problem sticking to things – whether you're a mother or not – sticking to a new habit, or a new exercise regime or whatever – whether it's yoga or meditation – we find it tricky to stick to and I think there could be an issue here with whether you're an introvert or an extrovert. So quite often, you're told that meditating or doing mindfulness is really good for your mental health. But what if that just doesn't suit you as a person or your personality? What if that's not something that you want to do with your mini moments to yourself?

I wonder whether introverts actually find having a bit of space to themselves, and a bit of time away from their kids, perhaps more important because they are best when they just have that space for themselves, they need a bit more time apart from people. I still think extroverts need time out from their kids, but it might look quite different from what an introvert would like or would suggest to do. And sometimes I wonder whether there is that imbalance between being told that mindfulness is really good for you but if you're an extrovert, maybe that just doesn't really work for you. If the idea of stuff meditation fills you with horror then maybe it's not for you, or maybe it's not for you right now.

If you're not sure whether you're an extrovert or an introvert, have a think about what you would say to your best friend or maybe your partner. If they come to you and say, ‘I'm feeling really stressed out, feeling really overwhelmed’. What are your recommendations? What is your advice? What do you suggest? Would you say 'Oh, go out for a nice calming walk alone and you'll come back feeling really clear-headed'. You might be an introvert, if that's what you suggest. On the other hand, if you say, 'Oh, let's go out for coffee together, or let's have a chat while walking in the park', then perhaps that means, you're an extrovert because you thrive on meeting up with people when you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. This is a really simplistic way of saying it, but knowing how you think when someone is asking you for help about stress might just help you understand how you actually do deal with stress best and it can give you a clue about how you would prefer to manage your own time.

So my solution to finding time for yourself is what I call mini me-moments. Now there's a bit of semantics here. It's not a mini-me moment because a mini me is obviously our child and good Lord, we have enough of those moments. I'm talking about mini me-moments – moments for me, and then ‘mini’ because they're small. And they will look different for everyone – remember the introvert–extrovert paradigm. I am going to give you some examples. But it's going to be different for everyone. So go with whatever feels right for you. It might be harder for extroverts, to actually find something that they can do in really small amounts of time. I don't really know I'm an introvert so I can easily sit alone in the garden with a cup of tea and be quite happy.

So how do you find the time as a busy mum? Well, to start with, the reason why I hate self care as a concept, is that it puts the onus on us to do some sort of grand gesture for ourselves, when genuinely you barely have time to even just go and have a shower. So what I like to say is you have to look for them yourself. Don't wait for your partner or your mum or whoever is your support network to come over and say, I'll watch the baby for half an hour while you go and do whatever. Find it yourself. Do it on a regular basis. You can do some daily, some weekly, some on a monthly basis depending on the length.

There are three types that I think everyone should aim to put into their their life. Five minutes every day, thirty minutes once a week and a couple of hours monthly if you can. If it all sounds really overwhelming, then obviously don't do them all at once. Start with the five minutes. I really think the daily five minute mini me-moments is the most important and actually the easiest to do. And so I'm going to focus on this a lot more because I really think this can be the game changer to your motherhood.

So, how to make it work? Well, I bet you've tried starting a yoga practice or meditating and found that you just never stick to it. You never actually make it into a habit. I'm quite all-or-nothing. I'm a bit like, well, if I'm going to start a yoga practice, then I need to be doing 90-minute classes twice a week, or it's not worth it. And so it never sticks, right? How am I supposed to find 90 minutes, twice a week to do a class, even if it's just online or on YouTube? I'm never going to find that time easily. It's an effort to do that. But what I can find time for is five minutes of yoga. I can easily find five minutes where I can say to my husband, 'I'm closing the door. I'm rolling up my mat, and I'm doing five minutes of yoga'. And it's amazing because it makes such a difference.

So again, check in. Do you think you're an introvert or an extrovert? Which method of downtime is actually going to work best for you? Make arrangements for childcare, so get your partner to get involved, get your mother-in-law, your mother, your sister, whoever you can to get involved on a regular basis, and schedule it in, put it into your day, into your week, into your month and make it something that you just do. It's like eating. It's like showering. It's like brushing your teeth, you just do.

And in terms of how to make it stick, stick it on to something else that you just do. And this is especially true of the sort of really little mini ones. So these are the small windows of spaces between other moments where you can be alone. The moments where you're already alone, and you just go, I'm going to tag on another five minutes of being alone, and you use them for yourself before rushing on to the next moment.

At this point, mums are going to say I don't even shower alone; how am I ever going to do this? But again, I'd say it's up to you to find what works. It was important to me that I do shower alone. Because I need that space to just switch off and not have to think about where my son is - is he getting into the cupboard with all the cleaning sprays or whatever. So I made sure that as soon as I wake up in the morning, I go and have a shower before my husband goes to work, and that's true even now while he's working from home. Because for me showering alone was important. For you, it might be important to actually just hang out in your dressing gown and have a cup of tea alone and showering with your baby there is okay with you. Everyone's different. Don't do whatever just because someone says you should.

And what are these small moments that you can find? I'm talking about things like the moment after making your bed and before you leave the bedroom. The moment after your shower and before brushing your teeth. The moment after brushing your teeth and before leaving the bathroom. The moment while waiting for your tea to brew. The moment after you've ninja-rolled away from your sleeping baby. The moment after you've laid down but before you close your eyes to sleep. Can you see – these are all daily moments that you do without thinking. And I'm saying find an extra few moments after that moment before you rush on to the next moment.

For example, say you make your bed every day. So make your bed and do five minutes of yoga. This is something I do, I love it. Maybe have a shower, and then before you leave the bathroom – sit on the toilet seat, that's fine – and do five minutes of deep breathing. As soon as you've ninja-rolled away from your napping baby, stick on some headphones, put three songs on and dance like no one's watching. Find three songs that you know that you can dance to and just dance, pretend no one's watching. Have it on really loud, which is why I'm saying put headphones in.

Now the real key to make these things stick is to do it straight after something you already do without thinking okay, so that's why I say add it onto something like brushing your teeth or showering or making the bed. You do these things without having to gear yourself up to, it's just a habit. So if you stick it onto a habit you already do, it then also becomes a habit. If you need more ideas of things to do, if you're an introvert, you might look at journaling, perhaps before going to sleep at night. Yoga, I've already mentioned, and breathing. And with all these things, set a five-minute timer and just just do whatever it is for five minutes. Or if you don't want to set a timer, when it comes to yoga, choose eight to ten poses and hold each one for about five breaths.

If you're an extrovert, the dancing thing might work really well for you. Maybe have a WhatsApp conversation with someone so message someone that you know will probably be online. Maybe even do something like create an anonymous account on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram and tell the world about your journey without feeling like you're being judged because no one as who you are, if you keep it completely anonymous.

Whatever you do, try and include a variety of different things. So includes some sort of movement, such as dancing or yoga. Include something that uses all of your senses, like feeling the ground outside with your bare feet. Something that gets you outside, even if it's just sitting by an open window with your journal. Something that makes you happy, such as singing your favourite song. And something that connects you with yourself or others, for example journalling, or having a phone conversation or texting a friend for five minutes.

So those are your five minute mini me-moments. If you can also schedule in a longer period on a weekly and monthly basis, this is going to make a big difference too. Have a think, make a list of what you can do in half an hour once a week or two hours once a month. And remember the introvert–extrovert thing. Maybe going out for a walk on your own is going to be great or maybe going out for a walk with a friend is going to be better for you, depending on what works best for you. And obviously it depends on your child's age and what sort of childcare arrangements you can have. But the main thing is arrange it in advance, schedule it in – just say, the first Wednesday of every month, I go out for a two-hour walk. Or every Friday, I go out for half an hour before my husband goes to work. Make it work for you. But importantly, stand firm, go forth and be free.

And I promise you the first walk I went on on my own, I literally held up my my arms and spun around Sound of Music-style because I felt so free to be out without my son. And for me, the effect is it makes me a much better mother and a much better partner. But I need to be consistent.

Make sure that whatever plan you put in place, make it a plan that you work on together as a team with your partner. Be consistent so you know that you'll get your recharge regularly. If you know that it's going to come again on Wednesday, it can just help you walk through the rest of the week when you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed. And I promise you, you're going to start looking forward to your time together, and your time apart. And you will find yourself becoming a much more fun, more engaged, more motivated mother, with much more patience.

But finally, don't beat yourself up if you can't keep it up. Just do once a day, even if it's just once a week, it is going to make a big difference. Keep at it, make sure it becomes something that is consistent and regular.

So to sum up, we get told all the time as mothers to practice self-care and look after ourselves. But most of us find it hard to even find the time and energy just to think about what we should even be doing for ourselves. So what I help people do is find those small gaps of time in their days where they can have these mini me-moments. For me, finding just five minutes once or twice a day is often the biggest game-changer when it comes to how mums feel about themselves and their mothering journey. And if you can, a longer half hour once a week, or a couple of hours once a month can feel so freeing. And that can make such a difference, especially if you find you end the day feeling really touched out. Remember, it might help you to identify whether you're an introvert or extrovert and tailor your activity to suit that personality. Because no matter how beneficial yoga is, it's never going to stick if it doesn't actually suit you. So once you've identified your daily moments and scheduled it into your weekly and monthly time off, make a plan of what you're going to do with them and then start.

Helping people identify these sort of moments is just one part of my toolkit when I work with overwhelmed, tired, frazzled mums. When I work with people, I take a really deep dive into their past and present health history and find out what's been happening before that's affecting what's happening now and I put a plan in place to get them to supercharge that energy with this multi-pronged approach. I want mums to stop sleepwalking through motherhood and actually enjoy it.

So if you want to learn more about working together, I always start with a free 30-minute phone call to find out more about each other. If you want to book in, follow the link in the episode notes for your free call.

And before I go, I just want to remind you again that this is the last episode in this season. I'm taking August off from podcasting. I'll be back in September with another great range of topics and new speakers to talk about how to have a really supported, nurtured motherhood. Thank you so much for listening this season. I've really, really enjoyed podcasting and I hope to see you in the next one.