What Self-Isolation Taught Me About Human Nature
Wednesday was our last day of social isolation. To say it was an eye-opener is putting it mildly. I’ve always thought of myself as an introvert and figured I’d be able to cope just fine without seeing the world for two weeks.
But what I didn’t count on was how vital and integral basic human communication is. Those short, meaningless chats with the cashier, the ‘good morning’ to the bus driver, the encouraging ‘I know how you feel' smile from a fellow mum with a crying baby are tiny moments of human connection that we take so much for granted.
And what it made me realise is this:
In practicing social distancing, the whole world is experiencing how new mums feel in the early days of motherhood.
So many new mums feel alone, lonely and isolated ALL THE TIME. Even those with great support networks sometimes look ahead to a long, long day of feed, change, sleep, feed, feed, change, nap, feed, feed, feed with dread. It can sometimes feel like you’re doing it wrong. Everyone tells you to 'make the most of it' and 'enjoy the cuddles'. But how do you do that when you’re mentally and physically exhausted and just want to crawl under the duvet and hibernate until baby reaches the age when at least you get rewarded with a smile?
Why do mums feel so isolated in the early days?
There are so many reasons to feel lonely. For one thing, your main source of support - your partner - likely only gets 2 weeks of paternity leave. And it is HARD to parent alone. (Single parents, I don’t know how you do it.) You become consumed by a seemingly never-ending cycle of someone else’s needs.
It’s also really hard to get out of the house. Just when you think you’re ready, baby needs a nappy change. Or throws up on your favourite shirt that you put on as a special treat for leaving the house. Or you’ve forgotten something. It used to take me two hours just to get out of the house! Making it to an appointment on time was laughable.
Throw into the mix the sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, the worry and anxiety about whether you’re doing it right. Plus the sheer weight of social expectations to do it all can just make you feel totally inadequate. I remember the first time I breastfed in public I felt that EVERYONE was looking at me and thinking I was doing it wrong, or should cover up more. (Of course, absolutely no one noticed and we were doing absolutely fine!)
Nutrient depletion that happens through pregnancy and during birth also means that you’re more prone to anxiety, poorer sleep, low energy and fatigue. If you’d like to learn how nutrition can help you recover from giving birth, we can have a chat.
Don’t suffer in silence
You are not alone in how you’re feeling, and talking to others can allow you to accept your feelings as valid, rather than letting your emotions go round and round inside you. A solid support network is vitally important, especially in the fourth trimester. But in this time of social distancing, tapping into it is harder than ever. Where before your best friend, mother, sister or aunty might have been able to come and support you, now you’re left to cope alone.
“Keeping in touch during an epidemic means making more effort than before”
Keeping in touch during an epidemic means making more effort than before. Here are some tips:
Choose to use video calls rather than phone calls. No one cares that you haven’t had a shower today and you’re still in your dressing gown. Pictures speak a thousand words, so a video call will speak louder than just a phone call.
Send more messages - even just short ones, to remind yourself who is out there that cares for you.
Schedule regular coffee mornings, tea breaks and evening catch ups with friends and family. Some people find it awkward to talk on video but if you’re sitting down together over a shared experience, whether it’s a cup of coffee or a virtual game of Scrabble, you’ve got something to focus on.
If you can, spend less time on social media. Facebook and Instagram are notorious for making new mums feel inadequate, especially when you’re facing down a mountain of washing, a house that looks it’s been burgled and baby that refuses to be put down to sleep (spoiler alert - MOST babies won’t be put down to sleep. Those cherubs calmly sleeping in a swaddle in their Moses basket woke up 2 minutes later, screaming)
How to choose an online mum support group
Having said that, some of the best support you’ll get is from other mothers who are experiencing the same as you, and for every parenting worry you have, there are other mothers out there thinking the same. So joining a supportive, encouraging parent group on Facebook can be really helpful. I advice you to be picky about it though! Don’t join too many - you’ll end up with too much noise on your news feed, pushing out those all-important grumpy cat videos your Uncle Dan posts. Read the rules and guidelines before joining, understand their values. Once you’ve joined hang out in there for a few days before posting - see what the tone is. Is it judgemental or supportive? Encouraging or will they put you down if you’re not breastfeeding? Some mum groups can be so harsh, which is devastating for a new mum’s confidence.
Support can sometimes be found in surprising groups. Some of the best advice I’ve had is from my cloth nappy group – the women in there share my values, but come from diverse parenting methods not to make me feel that I should be parenting in a certain way.
Get help if you’re worried
If it all starts to get too much for you, and you or someone else begins to become concerned about your mental health – for example if you’re having pervasive depressive thoughts, suicidal thoughts or thoughts on self-harming, please ask for help. Your GP is likely still available, although you may have to have a phone consultation. You may be able to seek counselling or therapy online. Many charities are still operating helplines:
Whatever you do, don’t let thoughts and feelings become overwhelming. You are not alone.