10 Silent Signs of Motherhood Burnout You Can't Afford to Ignore
Chances are, before you had children, or early on in your journey, you were determined to parent kindly and in a child-led way. You knew you wouldn't shout, use threats or rewards, punishments, time-outs- and definitely no smacking.
But then the tantrums and meltdowns happened. Or the physical aggression towards a younger sibling. Or whining, whinging and 'fake' crying.
And for you - 4 years of broken sleep, the feeling that your body is no longer your own from on-demand breastfeeding, the lack of freedom to do what you want and the sheer TIME and ENERGY it takes to Just. Leave. The. House.
It's exhausting.
Over time it builds up. And one day you realise that you haven't bought yourself new clothes, you don't like how you look in the mirror, you've stopped caring about how you look, your hair or your skincare routine. Because who has time for all that when you have a 4 year old who needs you from the second they wake up to the moment they go to sleep and a toddler who asks for a feed the minute you even THNK about sitting down with a hot drink?
As an attachment-based parent you pour your heart and soul into nurturing your children, knowing that you are helping to grow healthy, independent, emotionally balanced human beings.
The problem is, you have exactly the same need as your children - the same needs for a nourishing diet, the same needs for good quality sleep, the same need for enough exercise to get the wiggles out.
You have the exact same emotional needs as your children to regulate when the world gets a bit much.
But here's the sticking point – you don't have a grown up whose job it is to look out for you, nurturing you when you become dysregulated, gently holding you when you're heading towards a meltdown, making you feel safe when it feels the world is against you.
You know what the grown-up version of dysregulation is? Depletion. Exhaustion. Burnout.
In this post, I explore 10 signs of motherhood burnout and what to do if you suspect you're heading down the grown-up dysregulation continuum towards burnout.
1. Persistant exhaustion
Rubbish sleep is one of those things you tend to be warned about during pregnancy. So you probably went into the newborn months expecting to feel tired. Exactly how tired you actually are still comes as a shock - but you know it's not forever, you know you'll get through it while on maternity leave. But then, the first year ends and... they're still not sleeping through the night. Far from it. This can continue into their second, third and even fourth year.
And then – magic – they start sleeping through.
But you? You might be getting more hours of sleep but you're still feeling constantly drained and fatigued, in a way that doesn't seem reasonable. Perhaps you wake up feeling unrefreshed. Perhaps you find it hard to summon the energy to do everyday tasks. Maybe it feels like you're walking through treacle if you have to walk up a hill. Energy for self-care? Not a chance!
To learn more about how to get better quality sleep, listen to my podcast episode on why a good night’s sleep starts in the morning here.
2. Emotional Overload
You get the importance of being a container for your child to express their emotions. And you're proud and honoured you are their safe space.
But sometimes it all becomes a bit too much, and it spills over into your emotions. You start noticing you're quicker to become irritable and frustrated, perhaps you get upset and cry more easily than before. And you're more sensitive to PMS and find your emotions are out of control as you approach your period.
The emotional toll of caring for young children is huge, but when it feels like an overload and it's spilling into your emotions, it could be a sign you're heading towards burnout.
3. Sensitive to noise
There's no doubt that children are noisy. Add a second or third child into the picture and they play off each other.
Sometimes no amount of 'Indoor voice please!' works - because sometimes using their 'outdoor' voice outdoors is STILL too loud!
When did they learn to screech so loud? Why can't they just be QUIET?!
There are many ways to encourage children to learn and understand when it is appropriate and necessary to use a quieter voice, but one thing's for sure - when YOU become overwhelmed by the noise and start shouting back at them to stop shouting, it's counterproductive.
The thing is, becoming more sensitive to noise and falling back on shouting is likely a sign that you are becoming overwhelmed and less able to cope with the sensory overload of shouting, meaning you feel less able to handle it with patience and grace.
4. Neglecting self-care
In the early days of motherhood, your baby's dependence on you is huge. And it's easy - and perhaps necessary – to prioritise their needs over yours.
But overtime, this can become a habit. You might find that quite suddenly you can't remember the last time you left the house without worrying about whether you have enough nappies/changes of clothes/water/snacks for the children. And you can't really remember what you used to do to relax before children. You've forgotten what brought you joy when you had more moments to yourself.
And quickly your own need to express yourself, to hear yourself think, to just be alone is neglected.
This can quickly lead to a vicious cycle of burnout, where even finding the energy to think about how to fit exercise or time alone into the routine feels exhausting.
To find pockets of time to prioritise yourself and self-care, join my Back to School Self-Care Challenge, starting 18 September 2023.
5. Decreased patience
While theory you love the idea of being child-led, letting them explore the world in their own time, slowly building their confidence and independence, in reality sometimes you just need to get out the house at a certain time. Or get on with the cooking. Or tidy the living room so you can walk across it without stepping on Lego. Or do a poo in peace.
Seeking the perfection that can sometimes go along with aiming to be child-led can quickly lead to eroded patience levels. You easily become agitated or frustrated, often over minor issues that may never have bothered you before.
This impatience can spill over in your interactions with your children and partner. Before you know it, you feel like everyone is slowing you down - and you find yourself feeling constantly in a rush to get to the next thing.
6. Physical Symptoms
Many of the signs of motherhood burnout are mental – but it can also manifest physically too.
Frequent, chronic headaches, tense jaw, joint pains and sore knees, aching shoulders, worse PMS symptoms and gut issues are all potential signs that you're heading towards burnout. They can often creep up slowly, quickly become the norm, just another part of everyday life. In fact you most likely just put it down to ageing and being perimenopausal.
But often, they are your body's way of telling you to slow down, to listen to yourself – just the way you try and listen to your children!
If you suspect nutritional deficiencies in your exhaustion, listen to my podcast episode to learn the 6 key nutrients you need to know about as a mum.
7. Withdrawal from social activities
As time goes on you might find yourself avoiding social gatherings and choosing not to go out. It might feel you don't have the time or the energy for it, preferring to go to bed early and avoid socialising. It might feel like a lot of effort to meet new people and make new friends.
And you might one day notice that you lack enthusiasm for spending time with people - even those you care deeply about. Withdrawing and isolating yourself from family and friends is a big red flag for stress and burnout - because as pack animals, we need our tribe for survival! And if we are choosing to avoid them, we are putting ourselves in danger.
It's a vicious cycle too, because the more you isolate, the more you lose important moments of connection that trigger complicated hormonal cascades that keep us feeling worthy, loved and important.
8. Negative self-talk
And the less time you spend with others and the more time you spend with yourself and your immediate family, the more time you have for self-criticism and feelings of inadequacy.
That's when you start questioning your parenting abilities, feeling guilty no matter what decision you make about yourself and your children, and start criticising yourself for looking the way you do and beating yourself up for not being able to sort yourself out.
It becomes more and more exhausting, further contributing to stress and burnout.
9. Loss of Interest
As a mother you become a new person. But parts of the old you are still there - the parts that made you unique, that brought you joy, that made your partner fall in love with you - that made YOU love who you are.
It's heartbreaking to notice the loss of interest in hobbies and activities that you used to love. Whether it's cooking, reading, playing a team sport or going to concerts - it's the enthusiasm as much as the time that you feel has dwindled - leaving you wondering who you really are, now that you are a mother.
And while you might need to be realistic as to what you can do – perhaps cooking a slap-up gourmet meal every night isn't feasible in this season of your life - slinging beige freezer food in the oven is a far cry from what you know you're capable of.
Losing those interests means losing your sense of self, leaving you feeling empty and unfulfilled, passionless and adrift.
10. Sleep Issues
Feeling overwhelmed and burnout can disrupt your sleep. Whereas you might technically be getting enough hours sleep now your child is sleeping through, in reality you struggle to fall asleep and wake up at unreasonable hours unable to get back to sleep. This perpetuates the cycle of low energy and fatigue, leading to a dependence on sugar and caffeine, causing energy crashes, low motivation for doing much more than the bare essentials for yourself.
You might find yourself struggling more with low energy and exhaustion than you did when you had a newborn - leading you to beat yourself up for finding it so hard to cope when you've got through what's supposed to be the worst period of sleeplessness as a mother!
Why recognising burnout matters
Many of the signs listed here are also symptoms of nutritional insufficiency such as anaemia, sun-optimal vitamin D and thyroid issues, as well as mental health issues such as depression. Recognising that there is more to your exhaustion than simply not getting enough sleep is important as the first step towards doing something about it.
If you feel that your symptoms are possibly signs of severe mental health issues, please speak to your GP for help.
If you feel that you're at an earlier stage of exhaustion – where it's not persistent, it's not affecting your ability to meet your basic needs and you just wish you could find some time for yourself, then here are some things you can do at home"
Recruit your tribe. Remember, we're pack animals and no matter your circumstances, you probably have a tribe who care about you. Be open and honest about what you need and recruit help. Start with your partner if you have one, or your closest loved ones.
Delegate to others. It takes a village to raise a child – and a healthy mother – and most of us have lost this. For some of us, it might mean paying for help with cleaning the house or getting in a recipe box or some good quality ready meals once a month or so. Recognise the areas you're particularly struggling with and be creative with finding a way to delegate.
Prioritise yourself. There are so many metaphors out there about self-care – you can't pour from an empty cup. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Recharge yourself regularly like you do your phone. Fill your petrol tank before you run on empty. These cliches keep circling because they hit home. They are so true. You do no one any favours by continuing to run on empty. By putting your own needs first and finding five minutes regularly for some self-care you are putting your WHOLE family first. No one thrives in the family if you are stuck in survival mode.
To help you get into a regular, daily routine of taking time for your needs AND wants, I'm running a free 7-day Back to School Self-Care Retreat starting Monday 18 September. Each day I will give you a 5–10 minute self-care action to take. They'll include ideas of self-care you've never thought of before, and creative ways to incorporate them into your day. You'll end of the week with a toolbox of ideas and a plan to keep it going.
And to help make sure you prioritise this, I'll be running mini mindset sessions to address those self-critical thoughts that tell you you don't have time for this, that you have other things to do and other people are more important than you.
Because remember, unless you put yourself on your List of Important People, all your important people suffer.
Join the Back to School Self-Care Challenge and see who you are by the end of the week.
